Okay, so while I am definitely not in any way overdue and should totally be able to accept that my not giving birth at this point is completely normal, the last few days of pregnancy are always some of the hardest and really seem like they shouldn’t even be possible. At this point, just days away from my due date, I always begin to feel like pregnancy might just become a permanent condition. Like I will never have this baby and will just have to accept living as a “nine-months pregnant” woman forever.
That said, I am trying to enjoy these days as much as possible…and finding humor helps. The first ten seconds of this video are awesome and make me feel not so alone in all of this:
Seriously, though. I do really struggle with waiting. It’s just something that is hard for me. I like being on top of things, having life in order, and being ahead of schedule if at all possible. Some of the things that energize me most in life are completing tasks and maximizing time. I love efficiency and effectiveness, especially when those two can be combined. And while those are all great things to love and be about, they don’t exactly help me when it comes to seasons of needing to patiently wait. I find myself often frustrated in the waiting.
I come to a place of release. A place of surrender. In this particular season of waiting, it is releasing my timeline and my agenda for the birth of this baby. I won’t be pregnant forever. That just isn’t possible. There will be a day when Baby Silas will be born. I just don’t know yet which day that will be.
Amazingly, when I actually surrender myself to the “waiting”…truly surrender myself to wait…to allow a Divine plan to take place, I discover an almost eerie peace. A peace where I can be fully present even in the midst of major unknowns. Everything on my calendar becomes “possible” instead of “definite,” and I find myself engaging more in the moment because that is all that is certain. It’s a really great place to be, to live peacefully present in the moment released to whatever happens next.
So, for now, that’s where you’ll [mostly] find me: released to this present moment and God’s plan for it.